


One thousand days

by Misila



Series: Tumblr drabbles [15]
Category: Free!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Recovery, Romance, Slow Build
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-02
Updated: 2016-09-20
Packaged: 2018-08-12 16:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,107
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7940989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misila/pseuds/Misila
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's been almost three years since Rin and his excuses left. Almost three years since Haruka's flat is quiet, so quiet he feels like he's drowning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “I loved you like a fool.” “You weren’t the only one.” “This was a mistake, wasn’t it?” “I never said that.”
> 
> (slightly modified, but the idea is there)

 

 

 

 

It’s quiet.

It’s quiet when Haruka arrives into his flat, when he kicks his shoes off before even closing the door and drags his feet to the kitchen while getting rid of his jacket and scarf, not bothering to switch the lights on. It’s quiet as he washes a dirty glass that has spent the last week in the sink and ignores the dishes and cutlery starting to smell foul. As he rinses the glass and fills it with fresh water and wanders towards the stool, sits on it and downs its content in two gulps.

It’s quiet and dark.

Haruka’s index finger slides over the edge of the glass, admiring the way the droplets of water still clinging to it reflect the street lamps’ glow filtering through the window. Tremulous, warm light caresses the floor, or maybe it’s Haruka the one shaking upon recognising that particular shade.

It’s quiet, and the only light is auburn.

It feels like a bad joke.

His phone presses against his thigh, through his jeans; reminds him of a stupid conversation, of nervous smiles and inevitable anxiety hidden in witty remarks. As if nine hundreds ninety nine days ago had been just yesterday.

As if _he_ had never left.

It’s quiet and the silence rings in Haruka’s ears, loud as a never-ending screech.

Silence in the shape of _his_ voice, in the shape of the dozens of reasons _he_ gave to explain why they had to end what had never started. Silence that screams the hundreds of nights Haruka spent staring at his phone, waiting for something he knew never would come.

Silence that whispers _his_ excuses for not talking to Haruka in nine hundreds ninety nine days.

He was busy. Calls were expensive. He didn’t know what to say– and then, he feared what would come from his mouth if he stood in front of Haruka.

Maybe it’s better he didn’t call, Haruka reasons, not taking his eyes off that reddish light. Maybe it’s better they were clever enough to avoid each other for as long as they could, that Rin only heard about the injury that killed Haruka’s dream from Makoto. That Haruka learnt about Rin’s successes thanks to the media.

But it couldn’t last forever– and deep down Haruka has known it since Rin and he parted ways almost three years ago. Rin visits regularly. It’s nothing short of a miracle he only ran into Haruka seven days ago.

But it’s been quiet for longer than a week and it’s killing Haruka.

He lets the glass on the countertop, fishes his phone from his pocket. Rin hasn’t changed his number. Not like Haruka has.

And he doesn’t know what he wants, but he _needs_ the silence to go away.

His thumb hovers over the call button, though, without pressing it. Nine hundreds ninety nine days and a million doubts freeze him.

And in the end, what kills the silence is the doorbell.

The suddenness of the noise makes Haruka drop his phone; he barely notices how the screen light extinguishes as the device hits the floor. He doesn’t want to see anyone right now, yet when the bell rings twice, three, four times more he finds himself walking towards the door almost mechanically, swinging it open without even seeing who’s on the other side.

And he finds red.

Redder than any artificial light will ever be.

Haruka’s fingers tighten around the knob.

“Rin.”

Rin stares at him, looks down. He’s shaking; it’s only then that Haruka notices the snowflakes clinging to his hair and realises how cold it’s outside. He shudders, purses his lips together as he waits for Rin to speak.

“I’m… S– sorry, I wanted…” Rin swallows down. “I really wanted to see you.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

Truth be told, Haruka isn’t sure why he allows Rin into his home. Minutes pass between them, tying them both to the sofa they’re sitting on. The lights are still off and it’s clear Rin has no intention of chasing the silence away. It’s even louder, now, because it’s filled not only with everything Haruka never said, but also with all the things Rin kept to himself.

At least Rin isn’t trembling anymore.

But it’s so quiet, even with him there.

“You could have called,” Haruka finally says, because he’s dying a little every second they spend in silence. “At least once.”

They have talked to each other in the last week. Only it’s now when Haruka has found the resolve to actually say anything.

“Yeah.”

Haruka steals a glance at him. Rin is staring at the floor, expression hidden behind red locks and darkness.

“Why didn’t you?”

Rin huffs. “You know why.”

Haruka intertwines his fingers together, stops biting his tongue. “I was scared,” he admits. Softly, so quietly the silence swallows his voice.

Rin looks at him, but Haruka can’t see his expression yet.

“You mean when you quit swimming?”

“I mean when you left.” He’s only realising now how the numbness that has lulled him for almost three years was only protecting him from the fear of never seeing Rin again.

But he can’t say aloud how much it hurt when the only good part about being unable to swim competitively again was hoping Rin’s excuses stopped being excuses; he can’t bring himself to talk about the loneliness when months passed and his phone kept silent– he refuses to tell Rin how much of a burden he is to his friends, how worried Makoto is.

“I was scared, too,” Rin mumbles. “I… I was such a coward– I still am.” Haruka looks at the empty space between them. Barely half a metre and a bottomless abyss. “There were so many things that could go wrong and I wanted to avoid them… But in the end everything went to hell– and I swear I wanted to– I wanted to swallow everything I had said after that night, but I thought you would hate me if I… Well…”

“I hated you when you didn’t come,” Haruka whispers, only realising when the memory echoes in the silent flat how true it is.

Rin’s breathing fills the silence, heavy and hitching here and there, and Haruka really hopes he isn’t crying.

Because Rin doesn’t have the right to.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me too.”

Rin shifts uncomfortably on his seat. Haruka notices he’s shaking, again.

“I really loved you like a fool.”

The words float in the darkness, eating the silence with serene sincerity.

Almost three years ago, that was all Haruka wanted to hear. Now it’s not enough. Love wasn’t enough to make Rin stay.

“You weren’t the only one,” he mutters. He dares look at Rin, at the tears gathering in his eyes, too proud to escape running down his cheeks.

“Coming here was a mistake, wasn’t it?”

Haruka closes his eyes. He has been a mess for the last week, more than usual; almost as much as when he quit swimming. But Rin is there now, and it’s still quiet but the silence is gentle for the first time in one thousand days.

“I never said that.”

When Haruka looks at Rin again, there are surprise and hope mixing in his expression. Haruka’s probably mirrors it.

“Then what do you mean?”

Haruka swallows down. His mouth is dry again.

“I don’t know.” He bits down on his lower lip. “How long are you staying, this time?”

Rin seems ashamed, but he doesn’t look away. “Enough for you to make up your mind. If you want me to.”

There is a nod, a request and an answer. Rin stays on the couch, Haruka walks to his bedroom. Through the window he can see the whitening streets as snow falls on the ground.

It’s quiet again.

For the first time in one thousand days, Haruka doesn’t fear it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also posted on tumblr.
> 
> What do you think about it? Tell me!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: "Please don't leave me alone."

 

 

 

 

Once upon a time Rin fell in love with a star.

Back then he saw it as something bright, distant, something that would hurt him if he dared get close because it was too used to be alone.

It never discouraged Rin. He made his way through the light and the fire, through his own insecurities, until he reached Haruka, until his eyes got used to the glow and his hands didn’t get burnt at the touch. It took years, but Rin wouldn’t change them for anything.

The only problem was Rin himself, and too many things he had never thought about until his fingertips got addicted to the sensation of Haruka’s skin beneath them and his lips tasted those that so rarely smiled. Because it isn’t just about the two of them; the world is big, bigger than their feelings, so big Rin felt it would crush him. So he made the easiest choice.

He ran away.

And now his star doesn’t shine anymore.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin sees it the very first morning he wakes up in Haruka’s flat. It’s in the millions of shadows dulling a blue that used to remind Rin of summer skies, in the hunched posture of someone who has born a heavy weight for a long time. In the lack of quick, witty replies.

He can’t bring himself to tell Haruka about it. His friend probably notices it without help.

What Rin can do is trying to make up for almost three years running away from feelings he deemed too terrifying to deal with, keeping his promise and staying by Haruka’s side until he gets kicked out.

Because he knows Haruka will end up pushing him away. It’s the least he deserves.

After quitting swimming Haruka started working as a chef in a restaurant close to his home. He’s quite good at it, despite the empty gaze he stares at the food with, despite the bitterness in his expression whenever he brings a hand to the opposite shoulder and rubs at it. It’s physically painful to watch, yet Rin passes by after practice whenever he finishes early.

He never brings up swimming, though. Haruka never asks.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

At times Haruka forgets about simple chores, such as doing the laundry or the dusting, as if staring at the opposite wall were an interesting task for him. Or so he claims, scolding Rin for doing the housework in his place with varying degrees of annoyance that range from a huff to an almost shouted order, usually followed by an angry excuse to hole himself up in the bathroom for hours.

Rin knows pretending to be alright is exhausting and doesn’t always work. So he pretends to believe Haruka.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

There are hundreds of walls between them; and Rin is aware he built the foundation of most of them. Haruka allows him into his flat, but never into his bedroom; as weeks pass teasing him to start one of those silly arguments Rin yearns for is easier, but they never last long and Haruka never has to supress a smile because it just isn’t there.

The first wall crumbles down one night, after Haruka almost yells at Rin that he doesn’t _need to be taken care of like a child_ and storms off towards the bathroom. The wisest choice would be waiting until tomorrow before even trying to talk to his friend without having his head bitten off, but Rin can’t stay in Haruka’s place for the night and leaving without saying goodbye doesn’t seem very polite, so he ventures into the bathroom.

He finds Haruka curled up in the bathtub, ripples lapping at his chin. A smile tugs at Rin’s lips when he notices he’s wearing a familiar black swimsuit, even though he has probably never seen that particular one.

“Hey.” Haruka gives no sign of having heard him. Rin approaches him slowly, sits down on the edge of the tub. “I can’t stay the night.”

The arm sneaking around Haruka’s legs tightens. He raises his head a bit over the surface. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s not– tomorrow I have practice earlier than usual, that’s all.”

Rin doesn’t realise then that this is the first time Haruka and the idea of swimming are in the same room.

Haruka shakes his head.

“I’m sorry about yelling at you,” he clarifies. “Lately I’m always angry.”

Rin dares dip his fingers in the water, aware of Haruka’s gaze fixed on them.

“It’s fine. I would be angry with me too.”

“But I’m not angry with you…” Haruka looks at Rin, trails off. “It’s with everyone. Mostly myself.”

“I know.” And _oh_ , how Rin wishes he were lying. “Haven’t you thought about seeking help?”

Actually, Rin knows Haruka has, if only because of his increasingly desperate suggestions.

“I don’t want help. I want to swim.”

Rin can’t hold Haruka’s imploring gaze anymore. He watches his friend’s hand, curled up into a fist beneath the surface, and wonders if he’s ever said that aloud before.

“You know that’s not possible.” Something within him breaks when Haruka’s breathing hitches, and suddenly Rin wants to be far, very far from there. “Anyway, I have to go.”

Haruka’s cold, wrinkled fingers wrap around Rin’s wrist before he can get out of his friend’s reach. Rin freezes.

“Haru?”

“Please,” Haruka stutters, gaze fixed on the water, “please don’t leave me alone.”

Something within Rin’s breaks; his throat burns and his mouth feels dry as if he had spent the last thousand days in the desert.

“I– I won’t” He exhales slowly. “I’m not going anywhere for a while.”

Haruka’s grip weakens the tiniest bit.

“Will you come tomorrow?”

“Of course.” Rin may be a coward, but he’s not going to make the same mistake twice. He can’t let Haruka down again.

“The restaurant is closed tomorrow,” Haruka mumbles, almost to himself. “Makoto is going out with his friends and told me to go. But he’ll be with Mei the whole afternoon.”

Rin chuckles. “What is this, a date?” For a millisecond he’s scared his joke was inappropriate, but then Haruka’s grip on his wrist tightens again and his eyes shine with something akin to a playful glare. “Yeah. I’ll be there.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin knows it’s not a date. He will probably never go on a date with Haruka, not after the many ways he’s fucked everything up. He’s alright with it. All he wants is seeing Haruka’s eyes glow again.

Despite Makoto’s friends are all nice, Rin soon understands why Haruka asked him to come. They’re loud and way too extroverted for Haruka to be comfortable around them. And Makoto is, effectively, too focused on his girlfriend to have some mercy. Rin can’t help but suspect his presence is the main reason Makoto doesn’t pay Haruka any attention; for a second he wonders whether Haruka’s request has also something to do with letting Makoto enjoy himself.

Overall, they have a good time. Being the new addition to the group, plus a somewhat famous athlete, Rin has all the attention; Haruka stands by his side, probably enjoying not having to speak.

They go to the cinema to watch a romantic comedy Rin was really curious about, but he forgets about the movie when something warm lands on his shoulder. He doesn’t need to look to his side to know what it is, but he still turns his head, takes in Haruka’s sleeping face barely centimetres away from him, his eyelashes casting long shadows on cheeks that look even paler than usual under the azure light. He’s breathing through his mouth, dry lips slightly parted.

He’s so broken and breathtakingly beautiful that it hurts when Rin remembers this tired star is the same one that was once almost too bright to look at directly. Deep down, Rin knows losing muscle isn’t the only reason Haruka looks so small now; he doesn’t even know if he’s helping or making everything worse with his presence.

“Thank you.”

Rin winces at the voice, panicking when Haruka frowns in his sleep. Fortunately, he doesn’t awaken, so Rin looks at Makoto, who sits on Haruka’s other side.

“Why?”

Makoto smiles, eyes full of affection when they land on his best friend’s sleeping form.

“He’s been better lately.”

Rin looks down. “Really?” Something cold tightens around his heart. “All I do is bothering him until he either gets angry or ignores me.”

“It’s more than anyone has managed since he quit swimming,” Makoto replies. “You just got back, you can’t know how it was– but he looks half alive, now…” Haruka sighs softly, shifts against Rin. “He even suggested going out. I don’t think he’s ever done that, even before… well, before that happened.”

Rin frowns.

“What? Was this his idea?”

Makoto’s smile grows wider.

“Let me guess, he made it sound like I forced him to come.”

“Well…” Rin bites his lip to keep himself from laughing when Makoto giggles before focusing on the movie again. His eyes itch, though, when Haruka stirs a bit again and, without waking up, hides his face in the crook of Rin’s neck, finally understanding what his friend has done.

Getting Makoto to go out with his friends and his girlfriend, so he’s not in the spotlight. Inviting Rin, so he meets new people. Rin realises then that every time they’ve been together it was either at the restaurant or in Haruka’s flat, and guessing Haruka’s train of thought from that point isn’t hard.

“You’re a mastermind,” he whispers, hiding his smile in Haruka’s hair.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The day Haruka finally accepts he needs help is, ironically, the one when Rin’s hopes are at their lowest.

Rin feels like being swallowed by the ground when he spots Haruka watching him while he’s walking towards the showers after practice, sitting alone on the stands. He can’t tell why, but since he came back he’s been fairly sure getting Haruka close to a pool is a bad idea. So when he walks towards his friend after deciding against drowning in the shower he can’t help but be slightly terrified.

“What are you doing here?”

Haruka raises an eyebrow as they walk out of the building. “Watching the water be disturbed by you and your teammates.”

“Very funny.” Rin waves goodbye to some friends before heading into a park to get to Haruka’s place faster through it. “By the way, shouldn’t you be working?”

“The restaurant closes the first half of March every year.” Haruka stares at the ground as he speaks. “You have gotten faster in person.”

“Thanks,” Rin mutters. “I thought… I thought you didn’t want to be close to the water,” he adds, cautiously.

Haruka’s head perks up and his eyes fix on Rin’s.  Rin regrets his words until he fails to see the wounded pride in Haruka’s eyes.

“Is that why you never talk about swimming to me now?” Rin shrugs, knowing Haruka will take whatever he answers as an offence. “Well, you were right.”

Not giving him time to process that little confession, Haruka’s hand cautiously takes Rin’s; without thinking, Rin follows his friend’s lead towards a bench away from the main path.

Neither of them says anything after sitting down; in a way it reminds Rin of the first night he went to Haruka’s place, of the minutes lost on that couch. Only now the silence isn’t awkward; it’s Haruka trying to come up with the right words.

“I can’t swim professionally anymore. So I’m jealous,” he starts. Rin fiddles with the zip of his bag, not wanting to interrupt Haruka. “And I… This isn’t what I wanted; and thinking about it hurts, but going to work hurts too… And even swimming hurts because I can’t do it as I’d like– it’s not fair,” he finally exhales, and he sounds like an upset child. Rin notices, alarmed, that his eyes shine with unshed tears.

“But I still have to move on and all that… Right?”

Rin reaches for Haruka’s hand, curled up on his lap. It’s warm and sweaty and it trembles between his fingers.

“I’m so sorry, Haru.”

A tear falls on Rin’s hand.

“I can’t do that. I– I don’t know how.”

Rin’s free arm sneaks around Haruka’s waist, pulling him close. He can hear his friend sobbing, sniffling and crying into his chest, but he can’t bring himself to care about his jacket. Who knows how many tears Haruka has kept inside over his lost dream; Rin doesn’t speak as he holds his shuddering form.

“Hey,” he eventually says, when Haruka’s breathing sounds somewhat calmer. “Remember what we talked about seeking help?”

Haruka sniffles, face still hidden in Rin’s chest.

“Yes.” Rin swallows down. “I think you were right about that, too– but I don’t know how any of that works.”

Rin rubs what he hopes are soothing circles on Haruka’s back.

“I have no idea, myself. We’ll have to investigate.”

Haruka draws back, stares at Rin with red, puffy eyes and no trace of embarrassment.

“’We’? Will you help me?” Rin nods immediately. “But…” Haruka looks down, troubled. “I– you said– I know you still… But I don’t know if I can.”

“Haru.” Rin takes his friend’s other hand in his. “It’s fine. You’re my friend first; I just want you to be alright.” His lower lip trembles. “I… Whatever you want besides that is fine. I’ll be here anyway.”

Haruka nods slowly, not taking his wide eyes off Rin.

“Thank you.” He bites his lower lip. “I still love you too much for my own good, too.” Rin’s heart leaps to his throat. “I want– eventually I’ll be able to do something about it.”

There’s a little smile in Haruka’s lips, his eyes glowing like newborn stars.

Rin can’t stop his face from mirroring that expression.

“I’ll be waiting until then.”

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also posted on tumblr.
> 
> What do you think about it? Tell me!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Prompt: “it’s been a long time since i saw your smile”
> 
> (look, I give up. I have no self-control)

 

 

 

 

The clattering beneath their feet as they approach Rin’s flat only worsens Haruka’s headache. His hand tightens around the grab bar, but his elbow still bumps into Rin’s back when the train stops. Haruka lets his forehead lean on Rin’s shoulder for a second longer than what is strictly necessary, effectively attracting his friend’s attention.

“Are you alright?” Rin asks. Haruka pulls back with a wince and forces his gaze to fix on the window, lips pursed together. “Hey.”

Haruka tries to summon whatever is left of his patience, even though nothing can rationally justify his irritation. After breathing deeply several times his tense fingers’ grip weakens the tiniest bit around the bar, slippery and disgustingly warm. His jaw doesn’t relax, though.

“I’m just tired.”

Rin turns around so he’s facing him. Haruka watches him out of the corner of his eye.

“But it was good, right?”

Haruka shrugs noncommittally; it’s the sincerest answer he can give regarding that matter, he realises just after his posture slouches again. Dozens of questions, many of which he hasn’t been able to answer, still float in his mind, clapping and screaming and overwhelming his thought processes; the words _severe depression_ keep repeating themselves in his head, trying to hammer their way into Haruka’s astonished brain.

Has he really let himself fall _that_ low?

Fortunately Rin doesn’t seem particularly talkative, either; he doesn’t press Haruka for a more specific answer, waits for the train to arrive to their stop in silence and only grabs Haruka’s wrist to indicate him to walk out.

His flat isn’t far from where they get off the train; it’s almost as small as Haruka’s first home when he moved to Tokyo, but it at least has more than one room. Haruka sits by the kotatsu while Rin makes dinner, finding it harder to stay awake with every blink. He leans his cheek on the table, cradled by the noises coming from the kitchen, by Rin’s steps and light humming. Maybe it has something with the nervousness he’s been harbouring ever since he made an appointment with that therapist, with having finally met her and learnt what that was about, but he’s more tired than usual. Maybe tonight he won’t have to spend hours staring at the ceiling.

Haruka winces when Rin sets the plates on the table, immediately straightening himself up. In return Rin almost spills a glass of water.

“I’ve watched some scary movies where someone does that, you know,” he complains, half laughing at his own reaction.

“Don’t watch those, then.” Haruka looks at the dishes. He can’t help but raise his eyebrows in surprise. “Fish?”

“You having terrible dietary habits doesn’t mean I have too,” Rin replies. “I like meat, but I acknowledge some fish is necessary too.”

On one hand, Haruka wants to remind Rin that he has been having fish for dinner for the last two days. On the other, accepting his kindness dressed up as teasing is easier than arguing right now. Haruka is far too exhausted to start a silly argument anyway, even though a part of him wants to push his plate away because he doesn’t need any special treatment.

So they eat in silence.

Rin doesn’t let Haruka help him after dinner, so Haruka makes himself useful by looking for two futons and laying them out. He gets a worn t-shirt and black tracksuit bottoms so he has something more comfortable to wear for the night and curls up in his futon as Rin gets changed and turns the lights off.

“Goodnight,” he mumbles when he finally crashes on his own futon.

Haruka watches Rin’s silhouette in the dark room, frowning when he starts snoring. It’s impossible he’s already asleep; Haruka feels the childish need to poke his friend to make sure he’s not pretending only to make him envious. But minutes pass and Rin’s snores don’t dissolve into an amused laugh, nor does he open his eyes and tease Haruka. He’s sleeping, just like that, and Haruka feels a pang of jealousy because he really needs to sleep but his eyes are unable to stay closed.

He huffs, hiding his nose behind the collar of Rin’s t-shirt. It’s way too big for him, but it smells like Rin and the knot in Haruka’s stomach untightens the tiniest bit upon realising that Rin is, in fact, right next to him. Now more than ever, he has every reason to walk away; yet he’s missed practice just to accompany Haruka to his appointment and waited outside for the whole hour it lasted.

(Part of Haruka still wonders why he didn’t ask Makoto instead. Maybe it’s because Makoto would have easily let him chicken out where Rin has reminded him why they were doing that. Maybe it’s because Haruka has already bothered his best friend too much.)

Rin lifts his hand to scratch his cheek, dropping it on his chest afterwards.

Haruka closes his eyes, but sees the same gesture even behind his eyelids, except it happened three years ago. Except he and Rin were on the same bed. That night was awful in too many ways; the least one, the awkward sex. Haruka knows he _was_ happy then, knows he was drunk in euphoria until the morning slapped Rin with a million fears, but the memory is dulled when he replays it, as if it belonged to someone else’s.  Maybe that’s what Sasaki-san tried to explain to him before.

Haruka doesn’t want to keep thinking about that. He looks at Rin again, wonders whether he has been with someone else since then, even though the most likely answer hurts, even though it doesn’t really matter now because it’s him the one Rin is staying with now.

His heart aches because he can’t convince himself it’s enough, despite it being more than he deserves.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The bottle of pills has been staring at Haruka for almost an hour, but he still doesn’t trust that thing.

He opens the bottle, lets one fall on his palm and narrows his eyes at it, almost as if it were to jump and eat his nose. The more he thinks about it, the sillier the idea of a _pill_ being able to change his mood seems. Even though he’s been warned they are only a little help and won’t make the world bright again on their own.

Haruka almost knocks over the whole bottle when the bell rings. Not wanting to give Rin time to punch it again, he closes the bottle and leaves it on the countertop, walks quickly to the door.

“Guess who just broke the 200m fly record,” is, with a wide smile, Rin’s greeting. Haruka closes the door after letting him inside.

“Satomi?”

Haruka turns around before Rin can roll his eyes.

“Fuck off, Haru.” He passes Haruka and reaches the kitchen first. “Tell me you already made dinner. I don’t care if it’s mackerel; I’m starving.”

“I didn’t.” Haruka notices then he still has the pill in his hand; he sets it on the countertop, far from the hob, while Rin picks food from the fridge. Dinner is quickly ready when the two of them work together; soon they’re sitting at the table to eat. “So 200m.”

Rin smiles again, but it’s not half as bright as when he arrived. Haruka frowns.

“It’s nothing,” Rin quickly mutters, mouth full of rice and mushrooms. But he speaks after swallowing: “Have you ever thought about dying?”

Haruka looks up at him. “You mean when I’m old?” Rin opens his mouth, hesitates; and, as something sour raises to his throat, Haruka understands: “I don’t plan to kill myself, if that’s what you want to know.”

Rin sets his chopsticks down.

“It’s not… Well– It’s just that Sasaki-san said…”

“Is that what she did yesterday?” She requested talking to Rin alone, but Haruka didn’t feel the tiniest bit curious then. “Scaring you?”

Rin shakes his head.

“That’s not– she didn’t scare me. She just said your situation is delicate and it’s good you have people watching over you.”

Haruka purses his lips together, the last threads of his good mood vanishing.

“Well, she’s wrong. I’m–” _crazy, not getting better, too broken to be fixed_ – “fine.”

“You’re not,” Rin replies. “Look, I’m no expert, but–”

“Then shut up.”

“…sometimes the way you act reminds me of myself in Australia.”

Haruka tastes the venom in his tongue, in the words already forming in his throat. He does nothing to stop them.

“Because I’m throwing a tantrum because I lost a race, right?”

It’s low enough for Rin to not open his mouth again, but Haruka knows, through his anger and his wounded pride, that he doesn’t feel satisfied in the very least.

He stands up, carries his plate towards the kitchen. He doesn’t need Rin’s worry. He doesn’t need Rin’s _anything_ ; he lived without Rin for almost three years, what gives him the right to think he’s important? Or to give advice, or… Or…

Haruka’s gaze fixes on the lonely pill. He sets the plates into the sink, grabs it and, not knowing where else he can hide from Rin –Rin, who is just looking at him, still too shocked to speak– he rushes to the bathroom, uses the washbasin water to swallow the pill before automatically starting filling up the bathtub. He doesn’t even want it to make him feel better; he only hopes it’ll help his hands stop shaking.

It doesn’t. It’s Rin, after what seems an eternity, who finds Haruka shivering in the cold water and gets him out, and dries him off and helps him put his pyjamas on and holds him until Haruka falls asleep, a mess of incoherent excuses and useless apologies.

Rin is already awake when Haruka stirs in his arms at dawn. He assures everything is fine, that they are fine.

Haruka looks down, where Rin’s arm sneaks around his waist.

“But I’m not fine.”

He closes his eyes when Rin threads his fingers through black, still wet hair.

“You will be.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka talks about Rin more than Sasaki-san asks him to. He talks about all of his friends, when prompted, but it’s inevitable Rin is the protagonist of most stories. With everyone else Haruka finds biting his tongue way easier. Rin, though… He’s always had something that stops Haruka from keeping most thoughts to himself.

He gets better at reasoning that he’s not getting help because he’s pitied. Thinking is hard when Rin is often infuriatingly right, but Haruka learns not to hurt anyone with an anger that is aimed mainly at himself, because it’s born from his own helplessness. It usually works.

Nagisa and Gou visit at the end of May. Haruka doesn’t think even his parents know about his weekly sessions with Sasaki-san (he doubts they’re aware there have been dozens of things wrong with him for years), but somehow Nagisa _knows_. Gou too, most likely, but she’s always been discreet enough for Haruka to feel at ease with her. Nagisa, though– he glances at Haruka every now and then, opens his mouth and closes it frequently.

Haruka can live without knowing what Nagisa thinks of him now, but his friend manages to corner him in the hallway when he’s heading to the bathroom.

“Haru-chan, can I talk to you?”

Haruka has never been able to say no to Nagisa. His friend probably knows; and he really, _really_ doesn’t want to face a new disappointed gaze, but he has no option.

“What do you want?”

Nagisa laces his hands behind his back. “You look a lot better than the last time I saw you,” he says. Because well, it’s Nagisa and he’s always had little to no filter.

“You think so?” Haruka disagrees. He’s still a mess and all he does is hurting Rin and making everyone worry.

Nagisa nods.

“I was surprised when Mako-chan said you had started therapy, but...” He trails off when he notices Haruka’s frown deepens. So it was Makoto. “Was it supposed to be a secret?”

The question takes Haruka aback. Sasaki-san’s _needing help is nothing to be ashamed of_ echoes in his head, less believable than ever. “No, but–”

He’s trapped in a hug before he has the chance to finish, Nagisa’s light hair tickling his nose.

“Then I didn’t do anything wrong,” he mutters, voice light with relief. “Hey, Haru-chan.” His hold weakens a bit.

“What?”

“I think you’re really brave.”

 _Brave_ isn’t exactly the word Haruka would use. The idea of him being _whining_ because he’s too weak to handle things by himself is still there, but if everyone says he looks better he can afford believing it just a bit, right? And if Nagisa thinks there’s an ounce of courage in him, who is Haruka to contradict him?

“Thank you,” he mutters, leaning into the hug and wrapping his own arms around his friend.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

In June, Rin catches a cold.

He calls Haruka in the morning, tells him between coughs that they’ll have to leave the visit to the aquarium for another day. He insists he’s alright, but Haruka gets to his flat in barely half an hour. He’s not deathly worried, exactly; but after everything Rin has done for him the least Haruka can do is helping out a bit.

After dozens of sleepovers, Haruka knows Rin’s flat as well as his own; he ignores his friend’s complaints as he prepares a bath and looks for clean clothes for Rin after he washes the sweat off him, because it’s the first time in weeks his body doesn’t feel too heavy after two steps.

“I’ve got to be the most incompetent friend ever,” Rin grumbles almost an hour later, drinking water in small sips. “I’m supposed to help you, yet here we are.”

“I can help too,” Haruka replies, annoyed. “Even though since you came back it’s been the other way around.”

Apparently Rin is too perceptive even when he has a fever.

“Hey, thank you,” he mutters. “By the way, how did your last appointment go?”

Haruka shrugs, ignoring the knot in his stomach. “Normal. Sasaki-san said…” But he trails off. “You should blow your nose,” he points out instead.

Rin is too offended getting rid of the snot over his upper lip to pay attention to what Haruka has almost said.

“I’m sick, what did you expect?” he snaps. Haruka doesn’t fight the smile quirking up the corner of his lips; it isn’t usually this easy. The gesture reflects on Rin’s expression. “You are doing a lot better now, really.”

Haruka shrugs again.

“I guess.” He remembers that first night, notices for the first time the unbearable silence is usually quieter now. “Thank you for putting up with me.”

“My pleasure.”

“Would you swim with me?” Haruka blurts out, because he can’t think of any other way to say it.

Rin’s eyes widen.

“Uh… Swim?”

“I know you’ll win,” Haruka adds, looking down, “and it’ll be silly… But I still want to. I’ve been thinking about it for a while and Sasaki-san says it’d be good.”

Rin’s surprise mellows into a soft smile. “Sure.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

What Rin didn’t say is that Haruka’s return to the pool will have to wait until he comes back from that championship abroad. He’s too busy training for the following weeks, and he looks apologetic when he says goodbye to Haruka and Makoto, the only ones who are there to see him off.

“So… I’ll be back in less than two weeks,” he says. “Be good while I’m gone,” he adds, looking exclusively at Haruka.

“I’m not a dog. It’ll be more peaceful without you here anyway.”

Rin sticks his tongue out, but soon he’s hugging Haruka.

Haruka doesn’t want to let Rin go. He clings to him for as long as he can, unable to think about boundaries and the line between what friends are supposed to do and what means something else. That line has always been blurry for the two of them anyway, and Rin doesn’t help when he lands a kiss on Haruka’s forehead before stepping back.

“See you.”

Haruka ignores the dull ache in his chest as he watches Rin walk away. He knows he’ll come back, and he made his friend promise he’d let Haruka know when his plane landed.

“It’s been a long time since I saw your smile.”

Haruka looks at Makoto. His friend is smiling, too, and Haruka realises he can’t remember when his friend looked this calm for the last time.

“I’m sorry for making all of you worry,” he mutters. “But I’ll get there.”

He can’t feel guilty when Makoto’s hand, warm and firm and reassuring, lands on his shoulder.

“And we’ll be waiting until you do, no matter how long it takes you.”

Haruka can only nod. He’ll be fine.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also posted on tumblr.
> 
> What do you think about it? Tell me! ...I-if it's okay and all that *blushes*


	4. Chapter 4

 

 

 

 

There is something undeniably wrong the day Rin arrives back to Tokyo.

It’s not that nobody greets Rin in the airport. He already knew that; his friends are working and after a seven-hour flight he’s too tired to hold a proper conversation anyway. He gets to his flat on his own, sleeps for a while; it’s not until the sun is setting behind tall buildings that he remembers to text Haruka.

 **20:51**  
**To: Haru**  
 **I’m already back. Did you miss me?**

He doesn’t worry when Haruka doesn’t reply immediately; he must be taking a bath. After ten whole minutes pass, though, Rin can’t help himself: he calls Haruka, smirking at the idea of making him get out of the water just to answer his phone. He’s missed his friend.

But Haruka doesn’t answer. In fact, his phone is switched off.

Rin frowns. Haruka has never been exactly devoted to technology; but over the last months he has gotten used to carry his phone with him, if only to tease Rin when he feels like it– which is slowly becoming more of a habit. The only times Haruka has let his phone die were when he had a particularly bad day; the thought tightens Rin’s stomach as he wonders if something has happened during the days he’s spent abroad.

He tries to recall when he talked to Haruka for the last time. He scrolls down his phone inbox until he finds the last text he got from his friend: a simple _good luck_ five days ago, just before the first qualifying race. Rin hasn’t heard from him (or from anyone in Japan, really) since then.

What if whatever happened had something to do with Rin being away?

Rin tries to reason he’s being overreacting. That Haruka’s phone could have actually died for all he knows and his friend is alright, or as alright as he can be. It sounds like a poor excuse as he stands up, grabs the keys, puts his trainers on and walks out of the flat, only to bump into someone with enough force to push them several metres backwards.

“Sorry,” Rin mutters, closing the door behind him, glancing at the stranger.

He freezes when he realises it’s Haruka. Rin tries to speak at least twice, but all that comes between his lips is an astonished silence. Not that Haruka notices; his gaze is fixed on Rin’s trainers, hair tousled as if he had just woken up as dark bags dull lifeless eyes. His hands shake even after he intertwines his fingers together, and from a metre away Rin can tell his friend hasn’t had a bath for some days.

“What happened?” Rin asks, because he doesn’t need Haruka to confirm something is very wrong.

Haruka winces. “I remembered you came back today. I’m sorry– you’re tired, but I wanted– I– I thought you’d…” He exhales shakily. “But I don’t… If it bothers you…”

A frustrated huff leaves his lips before he inhales to try again.

“Let’s get inside,” Rin decides after Haruka fails to form a whole sentence for the fourth time.

Haruka doesn’t seem to be able to explain himself in the confines of Rin’s home either, yet, so Rin lends him his bathroom and a fresh set of clothes and makes a salad with what little food in good conditions there is in his fridge after ten days away. He stays silent as Haruka stares at the dish, but he can’t keep quiet when his friend scrunches up his nose and pushes the plate away.

“That’s probably the only edible food left here, you know.”

Haruka’s gaze falls from the salad to his lap. Droplets of water fall from his wet hair, run down his temples. “I’m not hungry.”

Rin digs his elbows on the low table, leans his head on his palms.

“Then? Are you going to tell me now?”

Haruka looks at him, then away again, quickly. Rin would swear he’s ashamed.

“I didn’t take my pills today.”

Rin needs some seconds to process that particular information. Partly because it takes him by surprise, partly because Haruka never talks to anyone about the antidepressants. Rin supposes his friend loathes depending on something and never asks him; in that regard Haruka usually manages himself fine anyway.

“I forgot,” Haruka adds before Rin can speak, “…and yesterday too. And–…” His breath hitches and he seems to shrink into himself.

Rin frowns, not having the slightest idea of how to handle this. How to handle _Haruka_ , when he’s like this. “How long, then?”

Haruka purses his lips together, looks at an empty spot on his right side.

“Four days.”

Rin sighs, feigning more confidence than he feels. “And I guess they are in your flat.”

Haruka shakes his head. “Jeans. I wanted to– I kept telling myself I’d do it later and then there was no point.”

Finally, something Rin can help with.

Without a word he rushes to the bathroom, fishes the bottle from the pocket of his friend’s jeans. He finds Haruka’s phone in the other pocket and takes it with him to charge it during the night. Because he’s not letting Haruka leave in this state, Rin decides as he walks into the kitchen to fill a glass with water and gets back to the living room, setting both the bottle and the glass in front of Haruka.

“This makes one thing solved,” Rin announces when Haruka swallows the pill with half the water. “What else happened?”

Haruka stares at the half-empty glass.

“I skipped work today.”

Rin’s eyes widen.

“You forgot about that, too?”

It must sound more accusing than he intends it to, because Haruka narrows his eyes, shoulders lurching forward as if to brace himself from the blow.

“No,” he snaps. “I was tired.”

“You didn’t sleep well?”

It’s a plausible hypothesis, but Haruka shakes his head again.

“Not tired like _that_ – I just couldn’t get up. It wasn’t happening anymore… and I thought I was getting better, but they’re right.”

“They? Who?”

But Haruka only pulls his legs up, leaning his head on his knees; Rin bites on his lower lip, understands the conversation is over. It’s more than he would have dreamt of only a few months ago; even though Haruka refuses to talk about the source of his uneasiness, his more urgent needs are satisfied and he hasn’t lost his temper.

“Let’s go to sleep, okay? Tomorrow you can tell your boss you were sick or something,” Rin suggests, standing up and offering his hand. Haruka takes it automatically and allows himself to be pulled up.

Rin lays out the two futons together, but Haruka frowns when he looks at them. “You’re welcome to sleep in the bathtub if you don’t like this,” Rin huffs.

Haruka exhales slowly through his nose.

“Can I sleep with you?”

It’s very hot. There isn’t enough space for the both of them in one futon. Haruka moves in his sleep and Rin wants to have some rest. _It’s hot and Rin is tired_.

“Knock yourself out.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Taking his medication isn’t the only thing Haruka has forgotten about, Rin realises the next day upon arriving to his friend’s flat. He starts doing the chores his friend hasn’t done for the last days as Haruka calls his boss to give him some excuse for not going to work _and_ not saying anything about it. From what Rin overhears, Haruka doesn’t lose his job, even though it doesn’t look like this is the first time something like that happens.

Only Rin was in Australia the other times.

The thought makes him feel nauseous.

Haruka joins him in the housework after hanging up; he ignores Rin’s attempts to make conversation, but he looks straighter, eyes brighter as he works in silence. When they finish, Rin stretches his muscles before sitting on the arm of the couch as Haruka walks to the kitchen to drink water.

Rin hopes Sasaki-san can help Haruka in tomorrow’s appointment, because he doesn’t know what else to do.

He almost jumps when a soft, warm weight leans on his back, between his shoulder blades. He doesn’t need to turn around, though, to know it’s just Haruka’s head. He’s been really stealthy to walk to the couch and sit on it without Rin noticing.

“I’m tired,” he mumbles against Rin’s t-shirt.

Rin swings his hand back, looking for a part of Haruka to touch; he doesn’t know who he wants to reassure with the gesture. It gets trapped by Haruka’s fingers.

“Like yesterday?”

Haruka shakes his head, which Rin registers as a nuzzle. “It’s because I did things. It’s normal.” His fingers intertwine with Rin’s. “Will you be angry if I tell you?”

Rin resists the urge to turn around.

“Tell me what? And no, I won’t. Unless you bought another _Loosey-kun_ t-shirt while I was away. Then I might be a bit disappointed.”

Haruka huffs, and Rin misses the snort he used to dress his laugh up as.

“My parents came to offer me a… job, in one of their friend’s business.”

Rin draws circles on the back of Haruka’s hand with his thumb. “Why?”

Haruka takes a bit to answer.

“They said… Now I can’t swim competitively, and I would be paid more money– and it would help them too, to straighten their relationship with… uh…” Haruka nuzzles Rin’s back again. “Something like that.”

Rin nods. He gets the gist.

“And?”

Haruka stays silent for a while.

“They said it’d easier than the restaurant for me. That I can’t– can’t keep working at the restaurant and I’ll get fired sooner or later, because I’m– I’m… _impaired_.” The word sounds venomous, like an insult. For Haruka, it is.

“I’m not,” he hisses; if Rin had no intention to turning around before, the way Haruka’s hand tightens around his convinces him to keep looking at his feet. “I’m– I’m just– not fine. But everything went wrong and I… I’m just like before and they’re right. I don’t want them to be right.”

“They aren’t,” Rin whispers. He swallows down, trying to get rid of his sudden anger.

“But they were.”

“That’s not– look, yesterday you had me worried,” Rin admits, “but that doesn’t mean you’re like when you started. It’s alright to be upset.”

Haruka’s other hand grabs Rin’s, plays with his fingers.

“I don’t want to leave the restaurant.”

Rin sighs. “I thought you didn’t like it.”

“It’s better than being locked up in an office.”

Rin dares turn his head around, fixing his gaze on their joined hands.

“Then tell them that.”

It takes some minutes, but finally Haruka nods.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They spend the afternoon watching a documentary about the highest waterfalls in the world. Not a topic Rin is particularly passionate about, but it’s Haruka’s flat and water has always helped him calm down. Rin has nothing to complain about when his friend leans on his shoulder, and Haruka says nothing when Rin lays down and he’s left with his ear pressed to Rin’s chest.

Rin isn’t surprised when Haruka falls asleep. Last night he could hear him stirring and rolling around several times; he doesn’t think Haruka got any rest. Haruka will probably stay up tonight too, but a messed up sleep schedule is better than not sleeping at all.

“You have no idea,” he whispers to his friend, “how amazing what you’re doing is.” Haruka doesn’t move, and Rin is relieved he doesn’t. He wouldn’t want to hear it; he would probably interpret it as pity. Which this isn’t, but Rin will have to wait a bit more before telling Haruka. “I still admire you more than anybody else.”

 _I didn’t think I could love you more until I saw you fight to get back on your feet_.

The arm sneaking around Haruka’s waist pulls him closer; despite the heat, despite not knowing where the limits are, Haruka still wants Rin in his life and it’s enough.

When Haruka awakens he spends a good while staring at Rin, eyes bleary with sleep but brighter after having some rest. That is, until Rin can’t keep pretending not to notice and flicks him in the nose.

“Stop being creepy.”

Haruka doesn’t move.

“I watched your race. It was good.”

“Of course it was.”

Haruka rolls his eyes; for some seconds neither of them say anything, but then Haruka stretches his neck, rests his lips on Rin’s clavicle. It tickles, it’s warm and its effect is obvious where Rin’s heart races beneath Haruka’s fingertips.

“How can you be so conceited and at the same time so…” Haruka shakes his head, rests it on Rin’s chest again and closes his eyes. “Do you still want to swim with me?”

Rin can’t help but laugh. “You could ask me that when I’m asleep and I’d still want to.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

As Haruka predicted, Rin wins easily their race.

Swimming is a prize of sorts, at least for Haruka; he only suggests going to the pool after calling his mother and telling her he’s not interested in a new job. In Rin’s opinion, he’s more polite than what she deserves. Maybe being tactless is a family trait, but Haruka has more empathy that someone who treated him like that will ever have.

Despite the lack of speed, Haruka’s form is still as graceful as Rin remembers. He doesn’t look disappointed by losing; he takes his goggles and cap off and stares at his hands, as if looking for something. Rin stands next to him, unsure of what to do and fearing he’s done something wrong again.

After almost two minutes Haruka looks at Rin and raises a hand in a silent request. Rin’s fingers intertwine with his when their hands touch.

“Good?”

Haruka shrugs. “It was too short. I’d need another one to tell.”

Rin smiles at the mischievousness in his eyes. He hadn’t realised how much he’s missed it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tell me if I'm doing this right. Or if I'm not. Just tell me *-*


	5. Chapter 5

 

 

 

 

He just wanted to forget.

To not see that gaze hovering over him in the darkness whenever he closed his eyes, to not mistake the brush of the blankets for those hands wandering, touching every patch of skin they could find. To stop waking up from a dream where _he_ hadn’t left.

So he swam. And swam until he was exhausted, and then he kept swimming because the moment he was above the surface the droplets of water running down his neck would feel like kisses making their way south.

For months he ignored his body’s complaints. Until his shoulder started being a hindrance and the water stopped accepting him; his breath would out in short, pained pants as he struggled to climb out of the pool. His chest felt hollow even before he went to see what was wrong with his shoulder, part of him already knowing that his determination had been but stupidity.

Haruka not only lost a way to block Rin out; he lost what he had been about to not find.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Nanase. Could you stop spacing out? Nanase!”

Haruka winces when old, grumpy Ishida-san raises his voice. The pan with an almost burnt steak materialises before him, the rest of the kitchen following soon afterwards. And his boss, who stands beside him, face red with anger. Haruka tries to remember what the old man has been talking about, but all that comes to his mind is the memory of the day he was forced to quit swimming.

Which is probably why Ishida-san looks so frustrated. He takes a deep breath, as if gathering patience from the air.

“Look, kid, I’m trying not to fire you because I know you’re going through a rough time.” Haruka has a hard time now, indeed, fighting the natural instinct to look away. One thing is his friends knowing; but he definitely hasn’t said a single word about therapy or antidepressants at the restaurant. Is it really that obvious? “But you could at least listen to me.”

“Sorry,” Haruka apologises, looking down. Even though a part of him is convinced Ishida-san was just talking about his newborn granddaughter for the sixth time today.

“I was telling you the client you’re making that for changed his mind about what he wants,” Ishida-san points to the pan, “but it’s too late anyway.” Haruka places the pan away from the hob, not wanting to burn the meat even more. “Throw it away, or you can take it if you want to.”

Haruka is about to say he can still fix the steak and feed it to Rin, but he remembers Rin is abroad just before opening his mouth.

One hour and a half and two difficult clients later, Haruka helps cleaning and closing the restaurant. He only wants to take a nap and maybe text Rin if it’s a decent hour in the time zone his friend is in, but he hasn’t taken two steps towards his flat when he spots Makoto approaching from the other side of the street.

“Hey!” Haruka only lets Makoto hug him without complaining because they haven’t seen each other since last week. “How are you?”

Haruka shrugs as they start working, not knowing how to give a more accurate answer. “What do you want?”

“I’ve been thinking about going this weekend to Iwatobi,” Makoto explains. “I thought you’d want to come.”

It’s been a couple of years since Makoto got his driving license; he’s been quite obsessed with carrying people everywhere since he found out it’s a way to help them. Haruka would enjoy it a bit more if he didn’t fear for his life when his friend as much as starts the car; even though it’s not like Makoto drives recklessly, he is constantly speeding up and slowing down, making the trip entertaining to say the least.

But Haruka hasn’t been in his hometown since last Christmas.

“Alright.”

“You can tell Rin to come too, when he’s back.”

Something in Makoto’s tone when he brings Rin up almost makes Haruka stop in his tracks, narrowing his eyes.

“What does Rin have to do with that?”

Makoto raises his hands. “I’m just saying, these days you two spend a lot of time together.”

Haruka supposes he should think about a reply that erases the teasing glint from Makoto’s gaze, but he can’t help looking away.

While he cherishes every minute Rin spends with him, from hearing him try to kill his doorbell to watching him fall asleep and waking up covered in a blanket that wasn’t there before, he can’t _not_ wonder why Rin doesn’t get tired and leave even when all Haruka wants to do is burying his face into his pillow and sleep and live in a world where he didn’t have to give his dream up and his brain never stopped working like it should.

“I’m sure he’s with you because that’s what he wants.”

Haruka looks up, surprised. Not by the fact that Makoto knows, but because it’s strange for him to voice it.

“I’m sure he just does it because he feels guilty.”

Makoto raises his eyebrows. “Why? I mean, he wasn’t even here when you quit swimming.”

Haruka opens his mouth, decides Makoto doesn’t need to know about the night he both treasures and loathes and closes it again.

Because Makoto might not know, but he definitely has given Haruka something to think about.

“Will Mei come to Iwatobi too?” Haruka eventually asks, effectively changing the topic.

“Probably. Last week, for her birthday…” Makoto starts talking about his girlfriend and it takes all of Haruka’s willpower to listen to him. He has never bothered to know Mei, to try to understand what makes her different from the rest of Makoto’s too loud friends.

It’s strange. Throughout the last years, he’s spent more time with Makoto than with the rest of his friends, even though they don’t see each other nearly as often as when they lived in Iwatobi; yet Haruka feels he’s been equally isolated from everyone. He doesn’t think he knows all of Makoto’s friends’ names.

“By the way, you didn’t tell me about those holidays.”

Haruka frowns. “What holidays?”

“Aren’t you going to Australia in November?”

Oh. _That_. To be completely honest, that trip is the result of an accident. Haruka made the mistake to walk behind Rin when he was video calling Lori; after that there was an awkward conversation in basic English and then they found themselves booking their plane tickets online. The days Ishida-san will close the restaurant to visit his granddaughter are a pleasant coincidence.

“It’ll be just some days.”

Makoto smiles. “Good– oh, I go right here.”

Haruka stands on the same spot long after Makoto disappears behind a corner. The perpetual weight on his shoulders feels strangely lighter.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Against all odds, Haruka sleeps through most part of the trip to Iwatobi. He doesn’t miss much, only Makoto and Mei’s more than occasional displays of affection. It makes him feel like an outsider, so he frowns as he looks through the window, purposefully focused on the landscape.

He can’t help his thoughts from wandering back to Rin over and over again, though, and it’s not because his friend’s race was honestly breath-taking; since that conversation with Makoto, the question of Rin’s remorse has been gnawing at his conscience, because it’s the most logical explanation for everything his friend has been doing for him.

It’s stupid. But then again, Rin’s whole being is too ridiculous to belong to the same reality Haruka lives in; feeling guilty about Haruka’s injury would be only the tip of the iceberg. Because why would Rin use his head and reason Haruka was just too stupid to realise what he was doing? That’s what a normal person would do.

After spending the rest of the afternoon with the Tachibanas (and trying to accept that Ran is taller than him now) Haruka retires to his own house, opens all the windows and buys something to make dinner. He’s almost too sleepy to climb the stone stairs back home, but after having dinner and swallowing the loathed pill his eyes stay open, fixed on the ceiling of his room. Insomnia isn’t a stranger for Haruka, but he gets increasingly anxious as he tries every posture and nothing works.

Sometimes when that happens, Rin offers himself to warm some milk with honey.

But there is no milk in the house.

Letting out a half distressed, half exasperated whine, Haruka reaches for his phone, which rests on top of the headboard. He doesn’t think too much about the text he sends; he only hopes Rin hasn’t already boarded his plane.

 **23:48**  
**To: Rin**  
 **What are you doing?**

Something akin to a laugh escapes Haruka’s lips when his phone vibrates as two texts arrive almost simultaneously.

 **23:51**  
**From: Rin**  
 **Waiting in the airport**

 **23:51**  
**From: Rin**  
 **You can’t sleep**

Haruka sighs. It’s not a question.

He hates it.

 **23:53**  
**To: Rin**  
 **Nothing new**  
 **What time is it there?**

Haruka is covered to the chin in blankets, not more sleepy than before, but he doesn’t want to when Rin quickly answers.

 **23:55**  
**From: Rin**  
 **Sunset. Look!**

The message has a picture attached, a photograph of the sun disappearing behind mountains whose name Haruka doesn’t know, tinting the sky orange and red. There’s a plane taking off, and from the angle Rin took the pic it looks like it’s going to be swallowed by the dying sun.

Haruka smiles even after reading the next message.

 **23:59**  
**From: Rin**  
 **I’m about to turn the phone off.**  
 **Try with a warm bath, but don’t fall asleep on the bathtub. Or do something you need to be focused on to get tired faster; it usually works for me.**  
 **See you tomorrow. Goodnight, Haru**

Haruka closes his eyes.

“See you tomorrow,” he replies.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka sleeps until late.

When he wakes up it’s almost twelve, but he feels rested and oddly calm. He fishes his phone from between the folds of the bedding, reads Rin’s last night messages again. For the first time in years he changes his phone background; he caresses the warm sky Rin sent him with a smile on his lips.

He dresses and walks into Iwatobi in search of something for breakfast; there aren’t many places with mackerel, so Haruka settles for juice and toast. Once his stomach is full he checks his phone again, but either Rin is still on the plane or he has forgotten to text him.

The Tachibanas are already preparing to go out for lunch when he walks back home. Haruka declines their invitation, telling himself he should at least get rid of the dust in his house.

In the end, though, he forgets about chores, finds an old sketchpad and a pencil and spends hours doodling; it’s been years since he last wanted to draw. He draws Iwatobi-chan, the sea, goldfish and trees. He draws Makoto’s eyes, Rei’s glasses and Nagisa’s hair, draws a whirlwind of cherry blossoms swirling around a figure he knows too well and wonders if Rin will be there to see the cherry trees in bloom next year.

He’s been feeling restless all day, and drawing eventually stops being enough. His phone’s battery has died when Haruka checks it again, so he plugs it to the charger and goes out again, this time to the beach. He walks by the water, just where the sea can’t reach his feet.

He knows the source of his anxiousness. He knows he has to tell Rin to stop doing things out of guilt, and he knows he’ll have to face a thousand excuses when the time comes. Haruka lays down on the sand, stares at the sky as its blue pales and turns a warm colour and stars start winking at him.

He supposes he falls asleep at some point, because when he opens his eyes there’s a head blocking the night above. Haruka forms a lazy smile at Rin’s concerned gaze.

“Hi.”

Rin sighs, caresses his hair and lays down next to Haruka.

“Hi.”

“How long have you been creepily watching me for?”

Rin lightly punches his arm. “Roughly two minutes. My mother kidnapped me the second I set a foot in her house. I just broke free.” Haruka snorts. “By the way, we should move. The tide is rising.”

Haruka wants to believe they still have some time before waves start lapping at their feet. He swallows down.

“Do you feel guilty about me quitting swimming?”

There’s an gasp lost to the rolling waves when Rin’s breath hitches. Haruka closes his eyes, not wanting to give into the temptation of looking at his friend. For minutes, they stay in silence, so quiet Rin might as well have left; Haruka has to trust him to stay, but at least the latest months have given him confidence about that.

“Does it matter?” Rin eventually counters.

Haruka closes his hands into fists. “I don’t want you to be here out of guilt.”

“I’m not. I…” Rin trails off, stays silent for some seconds, tries again. “Makoto said your injury was due to overworking yourself.”

“It was.” It feels strange, discussing what pushed Haruka over the edge so calmly. Maybe he wants to distance himself from the idiot that didn’t know how to stop in time. “Still not your fault.”

Curiosity gets the best of him when he hears Rin shifting on the sand. Haruka opens his eyes, looks to his right, where his friend has sat up. Rin isn’t looking at him, though.

“It doesn’t matter. You are more important than how I feel.”

Haruka frowns.

“But you’re important too.”

He rolls to his side and rises on his knees when Rin keeps silent, eyes stubbornly fixed on the sea. Whatever insecurity Haruka had before vanished, he reaches to grab his friend’s hand. He stops himself, though, when Rin turns around and stares at him. There are unshed tears in his eyes.

“Aren’t you angry with me?”

Haruka finally finds the courage to touch Rin, but his fingers curl around his friend’s elbow. He shakes his head.

“Not because of that.”

Rin’s forehead leans on Haruka’s shoulder. His hoodie is too thick for the tears to soak through, but Haruka can tell Rin is crying; he wraps his arms around Rin’s trembling back, pulling him close. It’s the first time Haruka has seen him cry since he came back and he doesn’t want to think Rin hasn’t allowed himself to cry in all these months.

Haruka isn’t sure why Rin is crying; he doesn’t even know whether he’s consoling him right. He’s been on the receiving end of that action too many times for the last months and all he can do is holding Rin and hoping it’s enough.

They stay there, sitting on the sand and clinging to each other, until the tide reaches their feet.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about it? ^^


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise I planned this chapter without thinking today is the second anniversary of the Australia episode.

 

 

 

 

Rin stands alone in the shower long after his teammates leave. Eyes fixed on the floor, shivering because the water has long gone cold and he can’t find the strength in his hands to at least close the faucet, much less to walk out and dry himself off. So he stares at the slippery tiles until he stops seeing them, thinking about too many things he has allowed himself to ignore for months.

A tear escapes his eye, joins the water falling from his hair on its way down. It’s a leather falling from shoulders that have been carrying a tonne of guilt for a long time.

Haruka doesn’t hate him for his injury.

It’s more than what Rin had ever dared hope for. More than he deserves after leaving Haruka alone for years and not having the courage to come back even when Haruka’s dream broke into a thousand pieces that are still hurting him. For not believing, not wanting to believe, until he moved back to Japan and Makoto broke down in front of his eyes because he didn’t know how to help Haruka anymore.

All Rin was for almost three years was coward and selfish, and Haruka thinks it’s just about his injury.

The worst part is Rin forgot about it too. Somewhere between trying not to lose his temper when Haruka refused to eat for days and noticing the small improvements in his friend’s condition, Rin allowed himself to stop thinking about the reason it had gotten that bad in the first place.

Yet Haruka, too perceptive for his own good, noticed. And now there’s one thing right shining in a sea of regrets.

 _And what does it matter?_ , a disdainful voice sneers. _You’re not the one who can’t function properly. You’re the one who left, not the one who stayed and endured the loneliness._

But it matters, for Haruka. And it makes Rin want to simultaneously laugh and scream.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _I wouldn’t mind getting used to it_ , was Rin’s first thought that cursed day as the first lights of the morning filtered into the room, when he opened his eyes to Haruka’s bright, wide ones staring right into his soul.

It took a second for his head to catch up with his heart. And when it happened it _hurt_ , it tore Rin’s chest apart because he couldn’t for the life of him understand what had possessed him to throw everything through the window and step on the boundaries that made his relationship with Haruka less than he wanted but safe.

Haruka tilted his head to the side, noticing the turmoil within Rin.

“What’s wrong?”

Rin almost couldn’t breathe.

“…this,” he wheezed. “All of it.”

Haruka’s eyes widened. Confused, hurt. Not that Rin saw any of it, too caught up on his own distress.

And that was their downfall. That Rin refused to listen until Haruka’s pride was wounded enough to kick him out himself.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin winces when he wakes up, the last threads of a dream that is also a memory fraying from his mind. It takes some seconds for him to remember where he is and make sense of the clattering shaking the floor and the seats; the first thing he does upon reasoning he’s somewhere over the sea, flying towards Sydney, is turning his head to the right, trying to discern Haruka’s face in the darkness.

He hears his voice first. Even though it doesn’t form understandable words, only whimpers and an unintelligible string of syllables. When Rin’s eyes get used to the lack of light he notices his deep frown, his scrunched up face, hair stuck to his forehead.

“Haru.” Rin grabs his friend’s shoulder, shakes it a little. “Hey, wake up.”

It’s strange for Haruka to sleep deeply these days, yet now he’s trapped in whatever nightmare his brain has conjured up for him. Rin’s hand slides down Haruka’s arm, grabs his friend’s fingers through the blanket he’s covered with. Haruka’s breath hitches and Rin almost lets go of his hand on instinct.

He doesn’t know how much contact is too much; and since Haruka started seeking it, it stopped mattering.

Yet sometimes it still does.

But then… Then Rin holds his breath, afraid of even breathing so he doesn’t break what feels like an ancient, frail spell.

Haruka’s head tilts to the side, inching closer to Rin. His forehead falls on Rin’s neck; his breathing is erratic, scared.

And for the first time, Rin is able to make out what he’s saying:

“In. Rin.”

Rin sneaks his arm around his friend’s back, bites his lower lip as he hugs Haruka close. “Yeah,” he whispers; and it’s impossible, because he’s asleep, but Haruka stops repeating his name, “it’s me.”

The awkward hug seems to soothe Haruka; little by little his breathing slows down again, his mumbling not interrupted by distressed whines anymore. Rin closes his eyes, his heartbeat louder than Haruka’s breathing in his eardrums.

“Stay,” Haruka mutters, almost too quietly for even Rin to hear.

Rin takes a deep breath, regret stinging behind his eyelids.

“Don’t worry about that. I’m here.”

He won’t leave. Not again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Sometimes Rin is a bit jealous of how fond of Haruka Russell and Lori are. Not only are they asking about him every time Rin calls them; as soon as they set foot into their house, the couple ignores Rin to bombard his friend with questions. Haruka, who has been tired all day, seems to struggle to understand them, but Rin doesn’t interfere.

He only intervenes when Haruka’s forced retirement from swimming comes up. Haruka looks around, as if seeking a way to escape that particular question; Rin bites his lower lip and asks about Winnie, even though Lori’s frown tells him she knows there is something wrong.

It’s not a surprise Lori asks him to help make dinner. Haruka doesn’t notice; he keeps petting Winnie, yawning every now and then. Rin wonders whether Australia has something that puts his friend at ease.

Rin doesn’t really want to talk to Lori about Haruka, but he finds himself blurting out more than he means to after only a minute under her knowing stare. It’s almost as bad as with his mother.

“But he’s a lot better now, really,” he finishes, partly because he doesn’t want her to worry, partly because it’s true.

Lori sighs. “I’m happy to hear that. And you?”

“What about me?” Rin counters, less puzzled than he’d like. He looks away from Lori’s knowing smile and ends up staring through the window as Haruka plays with Winnie.

“If there’s something you want to know you should talk to him.”

Rin would like to state that Lori has no idea, but it’s not true. Since Haruka tried to make his guilt go away, everything that had been hurting quietly started making more noise and Rin needs to know but he’s too scared to ask.

So in the end he just nods.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

There’s a smile fighting its way to the corners of Haruka’s lips when they walk into their hotel room.

“What?” Rin snaps.

“You booked the wrong room again,” Haruka mutters, plopping down on the closer bed.

Rin’s eyebrows shoot up.

“But there are two beds,” he reasons.

Haruka shakes his head, but before Rin can figure out what his friend is talking about he’s heading towards the bathroom. Rin supposes he’ll take his time (even though there is no bathtub, only shower) and falls face first on the bed that is now his, wondering if Haruka is disappointed.

Sleeping together is not a big deal for them now, but Rin is aware its meaning is different than it was the first time he took Haruka to Australia. It’s telling Haruka stories when he can’t sleep, waking him up from his nightmares and comforting him even when his friend refuses to speak until dawn. It’s holding Haruka close, soothing his doubts and assuring him that it’ll get better with more conviction than he feels.

Maybe that’s what Haruka wants.

Which means Rin fucked up. Again.

Haruka gets out of the shower unexpectedly fast. Still laying on his belly and mildly trying to suffocate himself, at first Rin only hears the door creaking open and his friend’s steps; he can’t help but turn his head, though. Luckily Haruka is sitting with his back towards Rin and doesn’t notice.

Although his complexion is still far from what it was before quitting swimming, Haruka has gained some of the weight he lost. At least now tracing his bones is harder; but that’s not what catches Rin’s attention. It’s not remembering all the arguments to convince Haruka to eat, either.

It is, to put it bluntly, Haruka himself. As he shuffles the clothes around in his bag, probably looking for that hideous t-shirt, Rin can see his muscles tensing and relaxing beneath the skin of his back. From his wet hair water falls down his pale skin, only making every move even more noticeable. Rin swallows as his eyes follow a single drop on its way down Haruka’s shoulder blade, diverting to the groove that marks where his spine stands and running down, down, down until it soaks the waistband of his underwear.

Rin finds his mouth dry as he notices laying on his belly is getting mildly uncomfortable. His breath hitches when he pushes fantasies he refuses to think about away, trying harder to suffocate himself.

By now, he should know better.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Rin realises Haruka can’t sleep only a few minutes after climbing into his bed and switching the light off. He can hear his friend rolling around and letting out increasingly frustrated huffs; the night is hot, humid, the kind of weather that makes even calming down hard.

He sits up and looks at Haruka, who has hidden his head under the pillow in a desperate attempt to sleep.

“Haru,” he calls. In the dim room Haruka sits up too, hair tousled and sweat already forming on his forehead. His eyebrows are knit together in a visibly anxious expression. “How about we go for a walk?”

Haruka looks down.

“You don’t have to.”

Rin shrugs. “I can’t sleep either anyway. It’s too hot.”

So they get dressed again and walk out of the hotel; the receptionist gives Rin a sympathetic look and he feels sorry for her and her work uniform. The frown between Haruka’s eyebrows smooths out a bit when they get through the main entrance, even though it’s hardly any cooler outside. Rin stops and ties his hair in a low ponytail, looking around as if a hint of where to go were going to appear.

“Where do you want to go?” he eventually asks Haruka. “There are a couple of places with good music not far from here.”

Immediately Haruka’s whole face scrunches up in displeasure. “I’m not going to a party.”

Rin can’t help but laugh. Haruka’s tense shoulders relax the tiniest bit.

“I know.” Rin tucks a red lock behind his ear. “No, seriously, any place in particular?”

“The sea?” Haruka suggests. “We haven’t been there yet.”

Rin agrees right away. He starts walking down the street, knowing Haruka is close behind.

What he doesn’t expect is his friend’s hand taking his. Rin almost forgets how to keep moving.

“You walk too fast,” Haruka mutters. Rin glances at him; he’s staring at the pavement as they walk. “Are you in a hurry?”

Rin pauses, looks at Haruka, squeezes his hand. “No.” He resumes walking at a slower pace to adjust to Haruka’s rhythm. “Hey, are you enjoying the trip so far?”

Haruka nods.

There are some people at the beach, but not enough to prevent Rin and Haruka from having relative privacy. They take their shoes off, walk along the shore as waves lap at their ankles. One hand grabbing his shoes, the other linked to Haruka, the sea breeze moving red threads that escaped the ponytail; Rin likes the feeling.

At least, until the echo of Lori’s words makes its way into his mind.

Rin shakes his head, but he knows it’s useless. The sooner he does it, the better. He supposes nothing can be worse than not knowing. His steps come to a halt, and a few seconds later Haruka’s do too.

“Uh… Haru?”

Slightly further into the water, Haruka tears his gaze away from the black sea, gives Rin an inquisitive look.

“Do you…” Rin swallows down. “That day at the beach,” he manages to force out of his throat.

There’s an almost non-existent delay in Haruka’s nod. But it’s there and Rin notices.

“You… You said you aren’t angry with me because of your injury.” As he keeps speaking, holding Haruka’s gaze gets harder. “So there’s something you _are_ angry about, right?”

Haruka looks down, at their intertwined hands. He doesn’t speak for a while.

“I don’t think so,” he mutters. “I used to be angry because you left. And then scared because I didn’t know if you would come back.” The words are spoken calmly, almost as if Haruka were thinking every single one of them before saying it. “Now I don’t know.”

Rin bites his lower lip. “I’m s––”

“Don’t.” The sharp edge in Haruka’s voice almost makes Rin step back. His friend looks up again, straight into his eyes. “I don’t– I can’t. I don’t think I’ll ever forgive you for that.” Haruka exhales slowly. “It hurt.”

For a while they stand there, silent on the shoreline. Haruka’s fingers feel cold in Rin’s hand and he doesn’t know what to do to fix that, how to make up for being a perfect jerk. Because there’s nothing, he realises, because nothing will undo how much he hurt Haruka.

“So?” He finally prompts, voice almost lost to the roaring sea.

Haruka’s hold on his hand tightens.

“You came back, didn’t you?” He looks away for a second, but soon his gaze is fixed on Rin again. “And you’re here. Even though I’m– you’re still here.”

Rin inches close to Haruka. “I am… and I know whatever I say counts little, but I will.”

Haruka’s forehead is almost too warm where it leans on Rin’s. He closes his eyes.

“Thank you.”

Rin sees the words forming on Haruka’s lips, more than he hears them. He feels every letter caress his own lips, almost regrets not having caught them in his mouth.

“I should be the one saying that,” he whispers. He can’t tell if he’s smelling the sea or Haruka or a bit of each.

Haruka opens his eyes. “Why?” he mutters. “You’re the one putting up with me when not even I can stand myself.”

The moment passes. Haruka’s head lowers, leans on Rin’s shoulder. Rin can feel the heat radiating from his friend’s cheeks, and Haruka probably senses Rin’s pulse through his skin.

It’s strangely soothing. It’s what Rin had been both fearing and hoping, it’s alright.

It will be.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think about it? Do you like it? Or not? Tell me! ^^


	7. Chapter 7

 

 

 

 

December comes, and with it a thin layer of snow that covers the city. Haruka sees it fall from his spot on the couch of his living room, feeling oddly warm just from thinking it’s colder outside. There’s a documentary about extremophile archaea discovered in Yellowstone Park he’s not really paying attention to on television; Haruka tries, but he’s more focused on tying Rin’s hair into dozens of tiny braids.

At least until Rin, who sits on the floor with his laptop on his thighs and his back leaning on the couch, winces, as if he had just remembered something important, and throws his head back to look at him.

“Hey, will you go to Iwatobi for Christmas?”

Haruka nods.

“Makoto made me agree. And my parents will be there, too.”

He wants to look away from the frown forming between Rin’s eyebrows.

“Are you okay with that?”

To be completely honest, Haruka doesn’t know. Part of him still resents his parents and only wants to see them so they can see he’s indeed still working at the restaurant, to make them swallow their words. But his mother did call him to apologise for the way they worded their suggestion, assured him they never meant it the way it sounded to Haruka’s ears.

“I guess.”

Rin nods, focuses on his laptop again, not prying into the issue. “That’s good.”

Haruka does two more braids, ignoring Rin’s vague muttering as he types. He’ll try to earn his spot in the National Team in a few months and he’s already stressed out. Haruka is not particularly worried about the outcome; unlike him, Rin works well under pressure. He only hopes his friend doesn’t have a nervous breakdown before the moment comes.

“Rin.” Rin hums in acknowledgment, but he doesn’t look at Haruka this time. “Will _you_ come to Iwatobi?”

Rin stops typing.

“Of course. Gou would kill me if I didn’t; besides, Rei and Momo will be back too. It’ll be nice seeing everyone again.”

Haruka would lie if he said he isn’t looking forward to seeing all of his friends together again; looking forward to anything again feels strange, but not bad. According to Sasaki-san he’s making great improvements. Haruka supposes it’s true.

He doesn’t raise his gaze from Rin’s hair when his phone rings; only when Rin pokes his thigh Haruka blinks and registers the device waiting to be held.

“It’s Makoto; he wants to talk to you.”

“Why did you call _Rin_ to talk to _me_?” is the first thing that comes out of Haruka’s mouth as soon as the phone is pressed to his ear, voice soaked in suspicion because he can hear a smile in his best friend’s breathing. Rin resumes typing furiously.

“I tried to call you first, but your phone is dead again,” Makoto explains. “I supposed you’d be with him– and I was right, wasn’t I?”

Haruka narrows his eyes at the colourful lake on television. He refuses to fall for that.

“So what did you want?”

“Oh, that.” Fortunately, it’s enough to make Makoto forget about teasing Haruka. “You know both Ran and Ren will go abroad next year,” Haruka nods, even though he knows his best friend can’t see him, “so I wanted to prepare something for them. I figured out you would want to take part.”

Haruka listens to Makoto’s idea, agrees, promises to think about something himself. After a few minutes Makoto hangs up, considerably less lively. He is worried for his little siblings, even though he knows they’ll manage.

“Rin, your…” Haruka trails off when he looks down. The side of Rin’s head leans on his knee, fingers loosely curled up over the keyboard. His breathing is slow, calm; threads of hair that have escaped from Haruka’s fingers dance with the air escaping his nose. “Phone…” he mutters.

Leaning down, he grabs the laptop and closes it, places it next to him on the couch. He watches Rin sleep, marvelled at how soft his skin looks under the artificial light of the bulb. Not wanting to give into the temptation of touching it and disturbing his friend’s sleep, Haruka draws back and threads his fingers through Rin’s hair to keep braiding it.

 _About time_ , he thinks. Lately Rin hasn’t been sleeping properly; ironically Haruka’s sleep schedule has been getting better at the same rate.

Ever since the trip to Australia something is different. Being honest with Rin was hard; not only because admitting out loud things he would have avoided even thinking about otherwise took a courage Haruka wasn’t sure he had, but also because he didn’t know how Rin would react.

But Rin only seems closer. Maybe he needed to know, maybe what he needed was to confirm something he already suspected; but with every secret they share being around each other becomes easier, easier than Haruka would have dared hope the night Rin showed up on his doorstep.

Yet one thing remains the same, has been like this ever since an annoying twelve year-old child announced he wanted to go abroad.

“It’s ridiculous how much I love you.”

Rin frowns, keeps sleeping. Smiles as Haruka undoes his braids.

He looks content.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Haruka is glad his parents give him some space. The last time they shared a living place for longer than two days was approximately ten years ago; and it’s not like they interfere with his life, but it feels strange and he is grateful they don’t want to.

He isn’t sure how much about his depression they know; he can’t stop Makoto from talking about him with his mother, and definitely can’t prevent Mrs. Tachibana from telling his parents. That’s how they knew, he supposes, when they talked to him in summer. But he still wants to run away when his father finds the bottle of antidepressants by chance.

He says nothing about it; he only hands Haruka the bottle when he walks into his bedroom. For a while both men sit together on the edge of Haruka’s bed; Haruka doesn’t want to know what his father thinks about the matter, what he thinks about _him_ ; but the solid hand landing on his arm feels unexpectedly reassuring.

“You know you can rely on us, right?”

Haruka fidgets with the bottle in his hands.

He knows his father means it. He knows his mother would mean it too, if it were her the one sitting by his side.

And it hurts, because he also knows he _can’t_ rely on them, no matter how good their intentions are, because they are terrible at staying.

“It’s not that bad, now,” he eventually mutters.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

On New Year’s Eve they meet at the old shrine, where everyone enjoys the last hours of this year. Haruka allows Nagisa and Rei to hug him, nods at Aiichiro and Momotarou and even holds Sousuke’s gaze for three full seconds. They have never been friends, exactly, and Haruka hadn’t quit swimming the last time they saw each other; but now there’s a sympathy in Sousuke’s eyes that isn’t pity, because he understands how toxic that is better than anyone else.

Rin and Gou are almost late, both wearing traditional clothes, like the rest of their friends; they come arguing, blaming each other for their delay. Rin insists Nagisa won’t break up with her if she forgets to paint his lips, laughs when Gou punches him with her small fists.

“I think you spending three hours doing your hair for Haruka-san had something to do, too,” Gou exclaims, visibly annoyed. The next thing Haruka knows is she has let out a yelp and is rubbing at her sore foot. Rin approaches his former schoolmates, but even in the dim light Haruka can see his flushed cheeks.

Not wanting to dwell on it, he walks towards the lookout, holds on the railing. From that spot he can see Iwatobi, can see the lights from every house and every streetlamp. Beyond the village there is the sea, darker than the night itself; the moon is a thin smile in the sky, not nearly enough to lit it all up.

“Gotcha!” Haruka flinches when Rin’s fingers drum on his sides, sinking his elbow into his friend’s ribcage on reflex. “O-ow– that hurt.”

Haruka doesn’t turn around. “It’s not like you didn’t know I’m ticklish.”

“I hoped you had some self-control and didn’t try to kill me,” Rin admits. His arms sneak around Haruka’s waist, chin leaning on his shoulder. Haruka grabs the railing tighter as he closes his eyes, pushing the tiniest bit into the contact. “Happy new year.”

Haruka hums.

“I’ve never really liked this kind of thing,” he admits, head leaning on Rin’s just a bit.  “Last year I didn’t want to come again,” he adds, quietly enough for only Rin to hear it. “But this is different. Better.”

Not even when Rin’s lips brush his cheek does Haruka open his eyes.

“So are you,” his friend whispers in his ear; the arms comfortably circling Haruka’s waist tighten. “I admire you even more than when you beat me in a race for the first time.”

The words send a shudder down Haruka’s spine; he’s sure Rin senses it too.

“Even if now you always win without blinking.”

Rin chuckles. “It’s never been just about swimming, you dummy.”

Slowly, Haruka opens his eyes. He can’t see Rin, and he doesn’t need to.

So he lets go of the railing, places his hands on top of Rin’s and smiles when their fingers intertwine.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

Exactly one year after coming back, Rin spends the whole day with Haruka.

Neither of them realises, at first. Haruka only notices something odd upon seeing the calendar pinned to his fridge; it’s not like he consciously keeps track, but for some reason his memory refuses to let go of that particular piece of information.

He doesn’t mention it to Rin. They spend the day at the pool, never getting tired of swimming even though Rin wins every race; he notices Haruka’s frown when his shoulder starts aching and suggests having something warm in a coffee shop nearby.

Haruka sips at his hot cocoa in silence, enjoying how Rin seems to appreciate the quietness. The place is loud, but there is a calm of sorts between them. It has been long since Rin stopped trying to fill every silence with nonsense; the less there is between them, the more comfortable being in each other’s company is.

Haruka loves every second of it, even more so when Rin’s knee softly bumps against his.

“Where are we going after this?” he asks, though. Wanting to go out isn’t a familiar sensation, but Haruka doesn’t feel like going back so early. The sun has just set.

“Hmm, the cinema?” Rin suggests. “But–” he frowns– “shouldn’t you take your medication first? Unless you brought it with you…”

“I didn’t,” Haruka cuts him off. He can barely hide his smile as he takes another sip. “I don’t have to take it anymore.”

In the following seconds, Rin’s expression goes from concerned to surprised to plain confused; then a grin takes over his features. “Wow, congratulations.”

Really, it’s silly. Sasaki-san helped him reduce the dose little by little; it was two days ago when she told him to stop taking antidepressants altogether. The hatred Haruka feels towards the pills hasn’t lessened the tiniest bit in all these months, but even so, he’s ridiculously proud of officially not needing them anymore.

It’s something physical, a proof of his improvements; and it’s more solid than his friends’ words when Haruka needs something to cling to and he is alone.

Haruka holds his half-full glass with both hands, letting the warmth reach his cold palms.

“I heard Makoto say there is an ice rink not very far,” he mutters.

“I’ve heard about it, but can you ice skate?” Haruka shakes his head. “Well, that makes two of us.”

Rin’s smile hasn’t died down. He looks almost happier than Haruka.

“The one who falls down more times loses,” Haruka hears himself say.

“And the winner gets to say what we eat for a week– and the loser cooks,” Rin shoots back.

Haruka agrees immediately.

He can’t wait to make Rin cook him mackerel for seven whole days.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

They go see the cherry trees in bloom after Rin earns his spot in the National Team.

Makoto and Mei are there too; Haruka watches Rin’s races with them, and even though it wasn’t planned he isn’t bothered when the four of them walk together into the park, take in the sight around them.

For the first time since he swam Rin seems to take the springs off his heels; he looks around with wide, still wet eyes, his hand finding Haruka’s almost on reflex. Haruka grabs it tightly, notices the pale blossoms stuck in his fiery red hair and wants to kiss each of them off. Rin doesn’t notice his gaze; Haruka looks ahead, at the completely pink park.

It’s the first time he actually watches this with Rin. His friend was always too impatient, always having to leave too early, and the trees would be naked when they bid farewell.

A smile makes its way to Haruka’s lips. Rin won’t leave. Not again.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

It’s getting dark when they arrive to Haruka’s flat. They are breathless, because Rin had the bright idea of competing about who climbed up the stairs faster; and Haruka has always been terrible on land but he couldn’t just chicken out. After seven floors his legs threaten to give out, and although Rin reaches the eighth floor first he doesn’t look much better.

“I… won…” he manages to say.

Haruka rolls his eyes, drags his feet towards the door. “But I… have the… key.”

He wants to take a minute to regain his breath before opening, just to bother Rin, but his friend’s arms are sneaking around his waist less than thirty seconds into his punishment, hand seeking the key into the front pocket of Haruka’s hoodie.

Immediately Haruka shoves his own hand through the other hole, grabs the key at the same time than his friend.

“Let go,” he orders.

“I don’t want to be here until tomorrow,” Rin hisses back, chin leaning on Haruka’s shoulder. It would resemble New Year if he weren’t being a pain.

Haruka narrows his eyes.

“If you don’t, I’ll never open the door.” It’s more of a fact than a threat. He tugs at the key, but Rin refuses to free it. “ _Rin_.”

“You’ll just hide it in another pocket.”

Haruka sighs. Turns his head to the side, presses a kiss to the corner of Rin’s lips.

“Thanks,” he mutters, finally retrieving the damn key. Easily breaking free from his friend’s hug, he opens the door at last and steps inside. When he turns around, Rin hasn’t moved yet. Haruka would find his astonished expression funny if it weren’t for the realisation of what he has just done. “Rin…”

Alright. Boundaries. A topic Haruka hasn’t been exactly good at for the last months. In his defence, Rin’s arms are warm and being held and told soothing words is something he’s really needed many times. But a kiss is definitely not alright for the kind of relationship they like to pretend they have.

“Why?” Rin whispers, quietly.

Haruka shrugs. “So you let go of the key.”

“You know that’s not what I’m talking about.”

He knows, indeed. But he also knows the situation is different from last year. That back then he was unable to take proper care of himself, let alone the kind of relationship Rin had run away from once. That as time passed, calling Rin _friend_ grew inappropriate, because Haruka can’t for the life of him imagine his relationship with Makoto, Nagisa or Rei being the way it is with him.

Haruka walks towards Rin, cradles his face between his hands, feeling the heat of a blush under his fingertips.

“I felt like it,” he admits, and it’s the most honest answer he can give. “I should have asked,” he adds, like an afterthought.

Rin smiles faintly.

“Well, I’m not making that mistake. Can I kiss you?”

Haruka nods, and the next thing he knows is Rin’s lips are as soft as he remembers. And a part of him still wants to push him away because there might be another too short night followed by empty months, but Rin is here and has been here enough to muffle that voice’s warning.

They walk into the flat, take their shoes off, fit themselves on the couch. Laying on the edge, half his body with nothing beneath to stop him from fall off, all that keeps Haruka in place are Rin’s arms. Haruka brushes Rin’s hair off his face, fingers curling around red locks when Rin’s lips leave his and explore his jaw, under his ear, the bridge of his nose.

Haruka pulls at Rin’s hair for him to stop just enough to kiss his mouth. Rin shakes his head, though, when Haruka’s eyes fix on his clavicle.

“What’s wrong?” Haruka asks; and for a second panic and memories make him stop breathing.

“Shouldn’t we… Talk?” Rin suggests.

Haruka frowns. “About what?”

“About this.” Rin stares at a point close to Haruka’s left ear as he speaks. “I’m not… I won’t pretend I haven’t thought about it all the times we…” He swallows down, breathes in deeply, looks at Haruka in the eye at last. “Last year you said you loved me. And even though I’ve fucked up in every conceivable way, I’ve loved you since I was twelve. But I told you–”

“…that you’d be here anyway,” Haruka cuts him off. “And you’d wait until I got better.” He looks away when Rin nods. “It took me a while, didn’t it?”

 _And I’m not even there yet_. Not needing medication anymore doesn’t mean Haruka is alright.

Rin’s thumb draws circles on Haruka’s hip. “Your health is not a competition.”

“But…” Haruka knows what he asks for is selfish, knows he wouldn’t blame his friend for not wanting to date him. “I’m closer than before. I just…”

“Alright.” Haruka doesn’t look at Rin, but his fingers grab Rin’s hair tighter. “I’ll stay with you the way you want me to.” He kisses the tip of Haruka’s nose. “So this would mean we’re dating.”

Rin says the last word slowly, savouring every letter. Haruka likes how it sounds.

“Are you starting to count just _now_?” he mumbles. Judging by his (certainly incomplete) knowledge about common activities done by couples, the only boxes Rin and he haven’t checked throughout the last year are sex and kisses– at least the ones that go beyond fondness and comfort. And technically they _did_ have sex. With disastrous consequences, but it happened.

Haruka enjoys seeing Rin’s cheeks reddening, supposes his thought process is similar.

“Well, we need an anniversary date,” is what he finally reasons.

It’s a silly occurrence, but the confidence in Rin’s words lights up a flame within Haruka; it warms his chest, his arms– it burns in the back of his throat, behind his eyelids. Haruka hides his face in the crook of Rin’s neck, feeling terribly stupid for crying over such a ridiculous comment.

“Hey.” Rin holds him close, smells good and reassuring even though there’s mild panic in his voice. “It’s alright. You don’t have to memorise it or anything.”

The sound Haruka chokes out is half laughter, half sob.

“You won’t leave tomorrow…?” he whispers; it’s a question as much as it is an affirmation, and all the fears Rin’s kisses were keeping away are coming back and fighting against the certainty that Rin will be here and all Haruka can do is just keeping crying.

“Of course not.” Rin’s lips brush the top of Haruka’s head, words vibrating through his hair. “I thought you knew.”

“I know…” Haruka sniffles. “But I think– and I can’t…”

Rin kisses Haruka’s hair.

“It’s alright. I’ll remind you whenever you need me to.”

They keep silent, the only sounds in the house being Haruka’s sobs and hiccups. By the time Haruka manages to stop crying it’s already dark; neither of them bothered to switch the lights on, and they’re too comfortable with their limbs tangled on the couch. They aren’t even kissing, just enjoying the intimacy of being so close they don’t have to keep anything from each other.

The flat is dark, and it’s quiet.

For the first time in more than one thousand days, Haruka likes it.

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And... that's all. It was a wild ride and I really enjoyed writing this.
> 
> Was it good? Was it bad? Whatever you thought, please tell me :3


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